You Asked, We Answered: Supporting Men’s Mental Health (Part Two)

By Elliott McLarnon, MACP, Registered Psychotherapist

Every month, Kii Health offers monthly Ask an Expert webinars to its clients. During our recent session on men’s mental health, we received far more questions than we could answer live. To continue the conversation, we’ve compiled them into a two-part Q&A blog series.

You can find part one here, which focused on how to better support the men in your life, as well as general questions about men’s mental health. In part two, we’re diving into how men can better support their own mental health and well-being.

As always, please note that the information below is generalized based on my clinical experience and my understanding of current research, trends, and our ever-evolving understanding of mental health. My commentary here does not substitute for personalized care specific to your situation. I encourage you to access personalized support through Kii’s mental health programs.

SUPPORTING YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH

Building stronger friendships in a new city/new country might be challenging because of barriers/differences/biases. Any pointers on how to navigate this?

This is a great question, and a common conundrum that many men (and women) face. Firstly, the most straightforward answer I have is that you are likely going to need to be a “yes man” for a while. Despite any internal indicators that something might feel scary, saying “yes” to requests from colleagues or any locals you come across might be helpful. Don’t get me wrong – I recognize that these situations will likely not grow on trees – but you will need to keep your eye out for them when they do arise. A work event that you are on the fence about attending (as an example) might be something like this. On the surface, it may not be that attractive – you may feel you already know the people you work with, and you don’t see much further potential. But challenging any of that internal instinct and pushing yourself to attend – and perhaps even making an effort to chat with people you don’t normal talk to, will be important.

Additionally, I would keep an eye out for online communities. Reddit and Discord communities and even YouTube or Twitch communities, can be rich with discourse on topics and hobbies that you are already deeply invested in. So, spend some time online around some of your favourite hobbies and activities, and try to be somewhat active in these communities, especially if they have local “chapters” or are geographically nearby. For example, perhaps there’s an online community supporting a local sports team. These communities often start fully online, but when people take an active role and begin connecting, I have often seen them bloom into real-life meetups and hangouts, where genuine friendships can be formed.

It is often said men do better with making friends standing shoulder-to-shoulder rather than face-to-face, in the sense that we sometimes need something to be doing while we converse to feel more comfortable. So, find the thing that you like to do already, and find a way to be a little more shoulder-to-shoulder in your local (or online) community around that interest or hobby.

How can you emotionally regulate yourself during extremely stressful situations?

I have two initial thoughts about this.

One, is that sometimes when we are in the moment, taking corrective action is too late. It is what we do in the time between the stressful situations that matters most. A question worth asking yourself is, “In these stressful situations recently, what button is being pushed for me?” Try to be curious and non-judgmental about it – maybe try to break out the pen and paper a few times over it and see what you come up with. If you are able to identify a recurring theme, the best offence may be a good defence here – simply identifying the common triggers can help you avoid or mitigate the impact of those bigger stressors.

Secondly, I would also recommend practicing mindfulness. I could talk about mindfulness all day, as it really has so many potential applications. But one of the key ones is that you begin to notice your own internal processes in a much more subtle way. It can be like having a superpower to see around corners, and to notice when something is heading your way before you are staring it in the face. Consider using the tools you have at your disposal, such as your Kii Health EFAP.

I have no affiliation with the app, but I have personally found the application “Waking Up” to be an excellent place to start. It gives the basic mindfulness skills to beginners, while also unpacking the myths around mindfulness and focusing on the neuroscience and mechanisms that make it useful. A warning, though, is that getting started with mindfulness is typically fraught with frustration. It can be irritating (once we really start paying attention) to realize how chaotic our minds and our thoughts are. So be aware that it is like going to the gym for the first time. You’re going to be shaky, and it will feel uncomfortable, but in the long-term (even medium-term), you will likely notice benefits, and more of a calm and control in stressful situations.

What is overworking? How do you know when enough is enough? How do I go about setting boundaries?

I think the short answer here is that it will certainly look different for everyone. “Enough is enough” may look one way for me and look entirely different to you. What comes up for me is priorities. When you sit down and think about what matters to you in life and what REALLY matters, do you still have time and energy left for those things when you finish a workday or arrive at the weekend? If the answer is no, then you are likely over the line.

Setting boundaries is tough at work, as different companies have different expectations and cultures. So, for starters, you will need to do the best you can, relative to the work culture you find yourself submersed in. For example, are you a lawyer who is expected to work 65+ hours a week? If so, then that may be a non-negotiable for your employment to remain stable. On the other hand, if you do not exist in one of these types of cultures, you may want to pay more attention to what keeps you working so hard or so long. Are you gunning for a promotion in the short term, do you enjoy the work deeply, or has this just always been the case? Are you afraid of disappointing someone? Is work a useful distraction during stressful or uncertain times?

Setting boundaries, like so many things, is about baby steps. Don’t try to deal with it all at once. First, start with what your baseline is now: how many hours do you work a week? 50 hours? Okay, lets start there. Can you shave off 30 minutes a week? How would you do that? What would that look like? 30 minutes a week over 5 days is 6 minutes a day. Can you do that? Perhaps starting with some time blocking in your calendar where 5-5:30 pm is framed as “red zone” with a title like “WRAP UP TIME” and 5:30 pm is listed as “home time”. You can get creative with these things, but I find that adding your personal life into a work calendar can sometimes help balance the two.

When taking time for yourself, how much will I need? I’m dealing with burnout and stress at work, but I feel like I can’t go about doing anything about it because it’s “not manly” or “not what men do”.

The short answer here is that “how much time you need” will depend on a lot of factors, so it’s definitely not a one-size-fits-all type of situation. As simple as it may be to think of things in terms of “battery recharging” versus “battery draining” or “cup filling” versus “cup emptying”. You likely need to pay a little closer attention to what is energizing you and what is draining you. With closer accounting of what is bringing you down (perhaps outside of work on its own), you might be able to find ways of fighting back, even if in small ways to begin. If you feel you can’t control a lot of what is going on at work, then it may be more important to focus attention on the “cup filling” things outside of work. You might be feeling so exhausted that these things feel out of reach, or you might even be so far removed from some of those cup-filling activities that you need to reacquaint yourself with them to remind yourself of how enjoyable they can be.

In regards to being held back by standards, I would want to know more about whether these are male standards you hold yourself to, or those you feel held accountable to at work. If these are standards that exist for you internally, then the good news is that you have some degree of control here. It means you may be able to explore alternative work/life balance mixes in small pieces first, and you can see how you feel “trying them on”. On the other hand, if the concern exists externally, it could get more complex. For one, if these standards are held in place by an outdated office culture, you may need to do what you can to bend but not break those expectations. Alternatively, if the concern is about how you will be perceived(but the jury is still out as to whether or not this is definitive, or perhaps a concern you have in your head), then you may once again have some opportunity to challenge (in very small ways at first) what an appropriate work/life balance looks like.

I deal with suicidal ideation, feeling like what I’m dealing with will never go away and always rears its head. I feel incredible shame because of this, because I have a lot to live for. Is this common?

This is very common. A word I like to use in situations like this is “incongruent”. It’s like when you look around in your life, you have a lot to feel grateful for, but you don’t really feel it. This is very common. To go back to the word “grateful,” it can feel like you aren’t grateful, and like it’s on you for not recognizing it. It isn’t.

Having said that, it does sound like mental health support is something you should look into. If your mental health is getting to the point (or has been the case for a while) of causing suicidal ideation, I’d recommend reaching out for support. It’s important to remember that these thoughts (no matter how “sticky” they might be) are just that: thoughts. Not facts. Not truths. Not imperatives.

Overall, yes, this is common. When things feel out of sorts despite everything on paper looking just fine, something is likely going on in the background that we need to address. That doesn’t mean anything is “wrong with you” – quite to the contrary. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with you, that you have done anything wrong, or deserve in any way what you are going through. Something has happened to you, something is going on with you (that you did not choose), and there is no shame in recognizing that, and taking time to think about whether it might be time to ask for some help.

Believe it or not, we are all in this together. And if you feel like you are in crisis, immediate help is available via the Suicide Crisis hotline – dial or text 9-8-8 for a safe space to talk, 24 hours a day, any day of the year.

Is it considered a mental health concern if I often don’t feel the desire to maintain social connections with friends and family, even though nothing specific has happened between us?

This depends. You’ve probably heard at some point before that as human beings, we are social creatures. So, some amount of social connection is vital, but what that amount looks like to each person will vary. Introversion and extroversion, right? It’s real. You may only need a little bit of it to get your cup filled, and your internal world is so rich that you don’t need a lot of it.

Having said that, it would certainly be worth your time to check on the why you don’t want the social connection with friends and family. I hear that “nothing specific has happened,” which to me sounds like there hasn’t been some dramatic event to lead you to feel this way. However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a “sum of the parts” type situation, where perhaps there are ongoing issues that prevent you from wanting to see them. A quick example might be something like feeling smothered by your parents whenever you are with them, which has you dipping in and then out relatively quickly when you do see them. If, upon investigation, you generally believe that you care deeply about these people, but you don’t need to see them all that much, then maybe that’s okay. Alternatively, if you don’t really feel any kind of closeness with these people in your life, then it could warrant further consideration.

Hard to say from afar, but this does sound like something worth exploring in therapy, even if that is simply to help you feel a little better or more comfortable with who you are and the way you choose to live your life. Maybe all of this is just fine.

I am recently finding it difficult to modulate my emotions.  This wasn’t normally an issue, but now I’m feeling higher highs and lower lows, and I don’t typically see them coming. What approach could be best to moderate emotions?

Very interesting question. This sounds like a double-edged sword. I would be very curious what has changed in your life to bring you to this point. In general, it sounds like you are in a more sensitive place – sensitive to the good and the bad, too.

I have two suggestions here: journaling and mindfulness.

Without getting into all the nitty-gritty, both of these avenues will likely allow you to get to know your internal processes in advance of the emotional moments that are hitting you so hard. The adage, “the best offence is a good defence,” applies here, in my opinion. It may be less about what you do in the moment (though things like box breathing and grounding exercises can be useful) and more about how you get to know the inner you.

When it comes to journalling, don’t think, just write. The next time you start to feel overwhelmed, pull out a notebook or your phone and go to town. Do this as much as you can for a period of time. My intuition is that with a closer connection (and greater familiarity) with your internal experiences, you will feel less at their beck and call.

Secondly, I would recommend practicing mindfulness. I could talk about mindfulness all day, as it really has so many potential applications. But one of the key ones is that you begin to notice your own internal processes in a much more subtle way – before they happen.

if you find yourself struggling or are trying to support someone else in your life who is, don’t hesitate to reach out. Kii Health offers our clients a range of supports that can help.

Click here to read part one.