You Asked, We Answered: Supporting Men’s Mental Health (Part One)

By Elliott McLarnon, MACP, Registered Psychotherapist

Every month, Kii Health offers monthly Ask an Expert webinars to its clients. During our recent session on men’s mental health, we received far more questions than we could answer live. Many of them came from people who are worried about the men they love – like partners, fathers, friends, and colleagues – and aren’t sure how to support them, especially when those men are reluctant to talk about what they’re going through. To continue the conversation, we’ve compiled them into a two-part Q&A blog series.

In part one, I’m answering some of your questions about how to support the men in your life in a way that respects their autonomy, honours your own boundaries, and opens the door to healthier conversations over time. I’ll also answer more general questions about men’s mental health.

As always, please note that the information below is generalized based on my clinical experience and my understanding of current research, trends, and our ever-evolving understanding of mental health. My commentary here does not substitute for personalized care specific to your situation. I encourage you to access personalized support through Kii’s mental health programs.

HOW TO SUPPORT THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE

My husband does not believe in therapy and will not talk about or acknowledge any problems with his communication. What are my options?

You’re in a tough spot here, which I can empathize with. You obviously want the best for him, but he’s not currently in a place to seriously consider it. The hard truth (which you likely already know) is that you can’t “will” him into therapy. In many cases, the more you push, the more he’ll dig in his heels.

My inclination here is to say that it is almost more important that you hold the line of your own boundaries. He may not want to deal with some of the things going on in his life, but you absolutely have the right to set a boundary when his behaviour affects you (or others you care about). If therapy is off the table for now, you can:

• Clarify your boundaries: Be clear about what is and isn’t acceptable in how you communicate with each other.
• Name your needs: Instead of focusing on what he “should” do, frame things around what you need to feel respected and emotionally safe.
• Model healthy communication: You may already be doing this, but continue to show what calm, respectful, honest communication looks like in real time.

Finally, I would say that if your husband is more responsive to hearing from other men – or maybe other sources entirely – if you ever find some good material on YouTube, you might be able to nudge him that way. I don’t mean videos that explicitly say “hey, if you do X, you should go to therapy”, but more videos that model healthy masculinity or address mental health topics for men. You’ll have to be thoughtful about how you present that to him. Maybe it’s something you mention verbally before sending, or maybe you don’t overemphasize it by sending it to him without a long explanation as to why.

My husband lost his father 5 years ago, and he was extremely angry for 2 years. I let him be after I tried to ask him if he wanted to talk, and he refused that and just played video games. My question is, if this were to happen again, do I just allow him to continue to be angry and ignore it if he won’t talk to anyone?

Two important truths up front:

1. Everybody grieves differently.
2. Grief moves at its own pace.

I think you were right to try and give him space to work through it. But I can also see that as his anger continued to show up, it likely became difficult to ignore at times.

A couple of thoughts:

First, to your point of “if this were to happen again,” I think it might be more useful to address some of these things with him now. I get the sense he is less stuck in this place of anger than he was closer to the loss, and that he isn’t currently processing another loss. If this is the case, I feel discussing with him openly now about what his experience was like and including parts of why it was also hard for you could be useful. Waiting until this happens again might end up being too late to really get into things – he might be leaning into that “shut down” response.

I would also say that if this happens again, it would be important for you to hold the line of your own boundaries. He may not want to deal with the grief or the anger himself, but you absolutely have the right to set a boundary when his behaviour negatively impacts you (or others you care about).

Additionally, you can “model” what healthy discourse looks like. You may already be doing this, but giving him a real-life version of healthy communication might be useful. You can validate what his experience is (avoiding problem-solving or being too suggestive) while keeping an eye out for any warning signs that might suggest he is slipping into a darker place.

I can see that my mother does not have the emotional intelligence to support my father with his mental health. What do I do?

For starters, I would want to understand more about what your relationship with your father is like, and whether you yourself feel comfortable having a conversation with him about his mental health. For the record, I could absolutely see a world where you have a strong relationship with him, and despite this, talking about mental health may also be a non-starter.

Should you decide to approach your father, it may be the case that you will need to leave your mother’s perceived shortcomings out of it and keep things focused on your care for him. You don’t even have to approach things directly from a “mental health” lens. You could start a little less directly – perhaps about how you’ve noticed that he hasn’t quite been himself recently, or that he has seemed a little aloof or disconnected from you recently. So, in essence, you might make it more about your personal relationship with him and your care for him, rather than approaching it like he necessarily has a bigger mental health issue that needs addressing.

How can I help my husband, who says he will think about therapy and that he can get through his stressors, but is aware he is falling deeper into depression?

Firstly, I am glad to hear that he is comfortable enough to say that he is thinking about therapy. The long story short is that he may simply need more time to come around to it. We often say as therapists that “people come to therapy when they are ready”. This has significance to me because I have seen what happens when folks go to therapy because someone else told them to, or when they aren’t really even sure why they are there, and the results in therapy suffer as a result. So, I think the long and short of it is that, despite the discomfort, you may simply need to give him more time.

It may be useful to understand what the markers of his own mental health are. For instance, how does he even know his depression is getting worse? Is he avoiding more social gatherings? Is he avoiding usual hobbies? Is he more disconnected from you and less interested in talking? The idea being that it could be useful for both of you to understand what the indicators of a drop in his mental health are, and most importantly, where the line is to seek help. Does he have a sense of, “I am okay now… but if we got to X, Y, or Z… then I know I can’t do this on my own anymore”? Would that mean when he calls in sick to work because of the depression? Would that be if he decides he doesn’t want to have a birthday celebration for himself? Is it when he stops going to the gym?

Whatever it is for him, it could be useful for both of you to have some understanding of this. That way, he can decide for himself when he is ready, but you also have something of a check-in point, something to come back to, if you can both agree that his mental health is deteriorating and has reached a point that even he has acknowledged means he needs additional help.

GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH

What are some ways you could motivate someone who doesn’t really have friends or a social circle and doesn’t do anything to change that? They won’t join activities, groups, or participate in any improvement efforts, and they won’t break their own cycle to change anything.

For starters, and you likely know this, pressuring and shaming certainly won’t be the way to get them there. Even pushing is likely to have a negative impact at this point. Part of what you may need to accept is that this person isn’t going to get to that point until they have some experiences that get them there on their own. This is not your duty to get them there. Though I can understand it may be frustrating to see them struggle to live up to their own potential, you may have to battle that internal impulse you have to help on your own.

Apart from that, if there are opportunities, you might be able to have a low-key discussion with him about how some of the areas you mentioned have been helpful for you. Of course, you want to avoid being too “on the nose” about it. But if there are opportunities to share how much you have enjoyed X, Y, or Z, then sharing from your own perspective might be more effective (over time).

How do we get men to take their mental health seriously and to make it a priority? So many of my male pals think that nobody really cares, so they shut down, or they avoid talking about it because they think it’s emasculating.

Again, if there are opportunities, you can try having a low-key discussion with them about what’s been helpful for you and share how much a particular activity or experience in your life has been beneficial to you. Sharing from your own perspective might be more effective (over time).

I also think a big thing here is “modelling”. You may not be able to coax it out of them right now, but you can certainly manage how you choose to communicate about mental health, emotions, challenges, etc. So, one of your best bets (in the long run) may be to be vulnerable yourself – avoid playing into those harmful male stereotypes. It might be uncomfortable for you as well (especially if you are outnumbered by men who don’t act this way), but it might be a relatively practical (but not easy) way to shift some of the discourse. As an example, I had a good friend who recognized some of the tendencies in his male friend group you discussed, and something simple he began doing when he saw his friends was hugging them hello and goodbye. That wasn’t part of their world before. It’s small, yes. But these types of changes are ways to impact the situation without making people feel like they are coerced or forced to do something.

Is there a good strategy to help support men who are seeking help?

Short answer: it depends on the individual, but a good guiding principle is to let them set the pace.

Some men may prefer to seek help in silence – in the sense that they may not want to leave their therapy session and discuss the contents of it with you immediately after (or ever). On the other hand, some may find value in connecting with their spouse or close loved ones in conjunction with their therapy. It may be useful to simply let the man in your life know that you are there if they ever want to connect about their time in therapy, but that there is no expectation.

I think it probably goes without saying, but we obviously don’t want to shame the man or make them feel any less for having sought out therapy. Furthermore, we may want to stay away from any statements that could come across as patronizing, like, “You are so brave to do this.”

If the person in question here is already seeking help, then my inclination is to say that one of the best things that many men might need is to not have the boat rocked – maybe no sudden movements. Try not to make too big a deal of their presence in therapy – just let them know you support them and are available should they ever want to connect.

What are your thoughts on using abstract methods, such as teaching financial literacy, with men to reduce the amount of stress men feel?

Interesting question. My initial reaction is that I have no issue with it whatsoever. If a man (or anyone) is having issues in part because of something functional holding them back, or keeping them in a holding pattern, then addressing said issue directly sounds like a great idea to me. Having said that, I don’t think it would be a substitute for general mental health support, but perhaps something that could be done in tandem with counselling, etc.

The reality, though, is that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. So, be it traditional therapy or a financial literacy course, if the man doesn’t have a genuine interest, it likely isn’t going to happen.

It may be useful to discuss with the man in your life what they believe to be the origins of their ongoing stress, and if they seem to indicate a clear cause and effect, then they may be an opportunity to have a productive conversation.

 What are strategies to help someone deal with cognitive dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance, at its core, is often the reason someone chooses to come to therapy. It often signals someone is feeling stuck or trapped, and unsure of how to “square the circle”. All that to say that the matter of cognitive dissonance, or “ambivalence”, is a very complex subject, and one that ultimately underscores much of the work that even professionals struggle to manage.

What comes to mind for me is first understanding whether the man in your life sees things as clearly as you feel you do. For instance, you may feel that their rhetoric about a subject, and the way they choose to behave in relation to that rhetoric, don’t match. But they might feel that it does match. So, making an honest effort to try and understand the contradiction that you see is likely a good starting point. You are likely going to be off on the wrong foot if you perceive something as an inconsistency that they themselves see as consistent.

Assuming the man in your life sees things similarly to you, if two things stand in contradiction, then I would recommend avoiding calling them out for this. Having it brought to their attention in such a direct way may scare them off an opportunity to reconcile. It is likely going to be more productive to remain curious about what their struggle of living with that dissonance is like. Hear them out. Don’t judge. It may be the kind of things that they simply need to sit with for a longer period of time, or to discuss with a mental health professional.

What advice do you give men who want to model healthy emotional expression for their kids?

This is a big question for sure. I think something small that you may be able to start with is to recognize first what you see in the broader culture that we are trying to steer away from. So, notice what feels off in the culture, notice what you yourself have struggled with, and note that you may need to take very conscious efforts to push yourself in those directions first.

I think, in short, maybe we want our kids to see us be more vulnerable and even silly. Goof around, let loose, show that perhaps one of the best things you can do is not to care what other people think about you. Push being yourself, being original, and being authentic over fitting in and holding the line.

What role can self-care play in helping men’s mental health? Examples: journalling, meditation, breath control. Convincing men to do these is tougher, as they do not want to be seen as weak.

Great callouts here. All of those are the precise type of self-care activities I recommend to both men and women. Though, to your point, I think there is certainly more hesitation from men on most of these.

I think framing can be an important piece. Approaching these from a more casual lens might be helpful. For example, I found something like “The Five-Minute Journal” as a nice entry-level journal that doesn’t come off too “touchy-feely”. I also think journaling options like this (with prompts) are helpful for men who often don’t know where to start. So, throwing them into the deep end with a blank page probably isn’t going to work out all that well.

The key, though, is that they are doing something for self-care. So maybe that isn’t journaling, and maybe it looks different. Maybe he has a gaming session every Friday night with an old friend where they catch up and commiserate about life. Maybe it’s a sport. Maybe it’s going for a run. Provided that they are looking at self-care seriously, then I’d do my best to be open-minded about the fact that it may just look a little different to them.

What types of therapy approaches work well for men who may be reluctant to open up?

I can’t say there is one, unquestionably. But if I had to pick one, I might say CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). It’s often a little easier of a pitch because it is “evidence-based” and “science-based”, and focused on using logic, reason, and objective truth to make sense of our emotions and experiences. So, if you have a man in your life who is reluctant to simply “spill his guts” in therapy, then I would recommend starting with something like CBT.

Stay tuned for part two, where I’ll be answering questions about how men can better support their own mental health and well-being. In the meantime, if you find yourself struggling or are trying to support someone else in your life who is, don’t hesitate to reach out. Kii Health offers our clients a range of supports that can help.