You Asked, We Answered: Imposter Syndrome (Part Two)

Managing Your Own Imposter Syndrome

By Dr. Kayleigh-Ann Clegg, Clinical Psychologist

Every month, Kii Health offers Ask an Expert webinars to its clients. At a recent session, Dr. Khush Amaria, Clinical Psychologist and Vice President of Clinical Services – Mental Health at Kii Health, and I focused on imposter syndrome. While not a diagnosable disorder, imposter syndrome is definitely a real experience – it is a combination of self-doubt and fear of exposure that many of us have or will experience at some point in our personal and especially professional lives. There were many great questions during the webinar; so many, in fact, that we couldn’t address them all within the allocated time. I’m following up to answer some of them for you now in a two-part series.

The first part of this series answered general questions about imposter syndrome and about providing support for others. This second part will answer questions about how you can manage your own imposter syndrome.

As always, please note that this is general information based on my clinical experience and my reading of current research and does not substitute for more personalized information specific to your situation.

Can you share tips on how to overcome difficulty with internalizing praise?

Yes, absolutely! Difficulty internalizing praise is a hallmark of imposter syndrome. When we receive praise but find ourselves rejecting it internally, it’s often because we’re engaging in some backward reasoning. On some deeper level, we tend to think, “I don’t believe it because it isn’t true,” or, “It isn’t true because I don’t believe it.” However, what’s actually happening is explained by something called self-verification theory. This theory suggests that we’re motivated to have others see us as we see ourselves. When we believe negative things about ourselves, we’re more likely to reject positive feedback that contradicts those beliefs because it upsets our need for a consistent self-image.

To overcome the difficulty of internalizing praise and interfere with that process, there are two things that I’ve found have resonated most with the folks I work with in therapy.

First, change your behaviour around praise. The things you believe about yourself can be slippery and stubborn, especially when you first start trying to work through them. You can instead start by working on identifying and shifting the concrete behaviours you do when you get praised. For example, if you immediately return the compliment, dismiss it, or outright reject it, try practicing pausing and simply saying ‘thank you.’ If that feels too uncomfortable to start with, you can soften it with something like, “Thanks – I really enjoyed working on this!” With time and repetition, those behaviour changes can translate into real changes in how you see yourself and your competence.

Second, if you can’t fully believe praise when you get it, start by landing somewhere in the vicinity of doubt instead of jumping to complete disbelief. That might sound funny, but it really is a step in the right direction. For example, instead of thinking, “It isn’t true,” or forcing yourself to think “It is true” if you really don’t believe it, you can start by thinking, “Well, maybe it isn’t true … but maybe it is.” Even just allowing the possibility that the praise could be true can make a difference to how you feel about yourself.

How do you overcome imposter syndrome when you keep getting turned down for roles that you are qualified/skilled for?

This can be such a difficult position to be in. Professional rejection, especially repeated rejection, is a huge trigger for imposter syndrome, and it can be really hard to stay grounded in your sense of self and your capabilities when you’re dealing with that. Here are a few things that can help:

• Separate yourself: Remember that these rejections aren’t a comment on your inherent self-worth (you have worth beyond your skill set), and that there can be many, many different reasons for professional rejections (e.g., timing, fit, internal candidates, interpersonal dynamics, sheer volume of applicants, luck).
• Create a confidence folder: Make a list or a folder and fill it with evidence of your competence. Keep track of wins (large and small), progress, growth, and positive feedback.
• Beef up your self-care: Rejection can gut our confidence and zap our motivation. Make sure you’re taking extra care of yourself. Treat yourself like you’re worth treating well. Get good sleep, exercise, nourish your body, and spend time with loved ones who uplift you.
• Focus on personal growth and values: Remind yourself of what you’re looking for and why it matters to you, both personally and professionally, rather than getting caught in the anxiety of, “EEK, what do these companies even want?! How do I be that?!”.
• Be self-compassionate: Remind yourself that you’re not alone in repeated rejections and professional struggles. Many, many highly competent people face professional rejection, such as layoffs or being overlooked for promotions. Be kind to yourself and ride the waves of emotion that come up and down. Sooner or later, you will find the fit that you are looking for.

How can you fight off self-doubt if your manager is micromanaging you or is a perfectionist and often throws you under the bus?

This can be tricky. If you’re being micromanaged, facing unattainable standards, or being constantly criticized or undermined, it can be very hard to maintain your professional self-confidence. To deal with that, three things come to mind:

1. Create emotional distance. Remember that, more often than not, extreme professional behaviours like micromanagement or harsh criticism have more to do with the person doing them and their circumstances and psychology than with you. For example, researchers suggest that some highly perfectionistic individuals (who are, themselves, often deeply distressed by their own perfectionism) tend to apply the same unrealistic standards to others. Try not to internalize their behaviour as reflecting personal or professional deficits on your part.
2. Use the experience to help yourself grow and learn. For example, perhaps the way they approach things is completely off-base, but is there anything useful in what they are asking for – skills to develop or processes to integrate? If nothing else, use the experience as a case study in what not to do when you are in that type of role.
3. Communicate and advocate for yourself. You don’t have to absorb others’ bad behaviour. When it feels safe to do so, communicate and set boundaries with them about how they are acting and what you need in order to have a more constructive, productive working relationship and environment. If they aren’t open to that or if the situation is untenable, document the behaviour and consider reaching out to your HR department for guidance.

If you are looking for affirmations from someone, how do you avoid making it look like you just want praise?

To be completely honest, I’m not sure that you need to avoid making it look like you just want praise. What’s so wrong with wanting genuine, heartfelt praise or affirmation? Obviously, there have to be limits – we need to be centered enough in ourselves that we don’t require affirmations from other people all day, every day to feel okay in our skin and our skillsets. But from time to time, we all need to know that we’re valued and appreciated. So, if you’re looking for affirmations from someone, tell them! Be open, honest, specific, and direct about what you need. If you’re uncomfortable with asking for what you need, remember that the discomfort of asking is often better than the discomfort of never getting what you need. If you’re afraid that you won’t get it even if you do ask, remember that rejection can be redirection to another way of asking, to another person to ask, or to look inwards for the validation we need. If you’re afraid that it’s somehow less meaningful or sincere when you have to ask for it, remember that there’s nothing more meaningful and sincere than someone hearing you out and caring enough about you to make the effort to give you what you’ve asked for.

How can we separate legitimate self-doubt thoughts from imposter syndrome? At what point are we second-guessing our realistic limitations?

This is one of the core questions at the heart of imposter syndrome: “Do I only think I don’t know what I’m doing, or do I actually not know what I’m doing?” It’s a distinction that really matters for what you do next (e.g., trusting your abilities versus building needed skills).

It can be challenging to figure out which it is, but there are a couple of useful questions to ask yourself:

1. Is the thought specific or general? A realistic appraisal of your limitations tends to be specific and situational (e.g., “I struggled with that report because I don’t fully understand the metrics we’re using.”) Imposter thoughts, on the other hand, are usually broader, more identity-focused, and often involve moving targets (e.g., “I’m not cut out for this,” or “What if I mess this up and they realize I don’t belong here?” or doubting your abilities across nearly every domain or project).

2. What’s the objective evidence? Look at the facts: what have you actually done? Imposter syndrome involves doubt despite accomplishments. Sit down and list your achievements, even if perfectionism makes you want to dismiss or minimize them. Focus on whether they exist, not whether they feel “good enough.”

3. How big are the emotions? Realistic doubt may feel uncomfortable, but it’s often manageable and can motivate growth. Imposter syndrome tends to come with heavier, more intense emotions like shame, fear, and guilt. With imposter syndrome, you’re more likely to feel overwhelmed in a broad and directionless way. The motivation that might come from that is often more about avoiding exposure than learning or development.

If I compensate for my feeling of “not being enough” by studying or learning courses, is that healthy, considering that this is time-consuming as well, and most of the time adds pressure momentarily?

This is a really good question. It comes down to something similar to the previous question – are you taking the courses because you don’t feel like you’re enough, or are you taking them because they interest you, because you want to, or because you genuinely need them? If it’s more of the former, that’s a little less healthy and more likely to add pressure and stress with limited pay-off (think: a treadmill to nowhere).

I’ve noticed that even without having had critical parents, just living in a high-achieving family can create imposter syndrome. How can you break out of this cycle?

It makes sense that you’ve noticed that – this is something that is reflected in the research on imposter syndrome, too. Being in a high-achieving family can trigger a lot of comparison, and a sense of needing to be and do more in order to belong and to be “good enough”. To break out of this cycle, I’d try to:

• Focus on your strengths and what you like about yourself.
• Redirect your attention anytime you find yourself slipping into unhelpful comparisons.
• Make a point of practicing being genuinely happy for, proud of, and celebrating the wins of your family members and yourself (no matter what size).
• Cultivating gratitude for what you like about your life.

Finally, maybe most importantly, I’d make a point of being really intentional and thoughtful about what you define as success and defining it in a way that reflects things like your personal values and the people, places, and things that are most important to you. Things that, looking back from the end of your life, are more likely to bring you a sense of warmth and fulfillment, regardless of whether or not they brought you praise, promotions, or accolades at the time.

Check out part one of this series for more general information on imposter syndrome and providing support for others. If you find yourself grappling with imposter syndrome or its consequences, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Kii Health offers a range of supports that can help you improve your well-being and build your confidence.